Some people are saying that customer service is the pits these days. Just in case you haven’t conceived of every method to further alienate your clientele, I noticed this article at Ezine and have taken some snippets from a list of ideas that are certain to drive customers away from your business. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, I offer the following tips to you:
Customer Service in General:
1. A closed mouth gathers no foot…speak boldly!
2. When the only customer service tools you have to work with is an axe, you will have hours filled with fun.
3. Try to come to an amicable conclusion…the place where you and the customer both got tired of arguing.
4. An irate customer is its own reward. Make someone’s day.
5. Freely and frequently tell customers that you HATE your job.
6. Only provide one-word answers when customers ask questions.
7. If you’re having a bad day, the quickest way to feel better is to take out your frustration on a customer.
8. Your day is not complete until you’ve sent yet another customer running away.
9. Pass the buck to another coworker; you’re not in the mood to deal with this customer right now.
10. Creating some inaccuracy can save a world of explanation, ahem.
11. Best customer service award goes to: the one with the subtle blend of psychology and extreme violent behavior.
12. Make sure you try to upsell another product to the customer, no matter how much they argue they don’t need it. You never know, they may not realize they could use something they didn’t want until it was forced on them, and your commissions will go up!
13. If the shoe fits, beat the customer senseless with it.
14. Nope, nope, we can’t alter that service for you, that’s the way we do things here. Yes, I know we could probably DO it, but that’s our policy, no alterations of any kind to the services for customers.
15. Act as distant and indifferent as possible to the customer; they’ll eventually go away, I promise.
16. Ready?! Aim……FIRE!
17. Make it your policy to take pictures of customers that lodge a complaint. Then post them on the front door and use them as target practice for your dartboard gaming. That will surely slow down the complaints you receive.
18. When a customer asks where your blue widgets are, do NOT make eye contact, and simply mumble something under your breath. If they persist, just quickly point in its direction, but don’t make the mistake of raising your head and looking their way or you’re doomed; you’ll be stuck with having to actually SHOW them where they are.
19. If you can’t beat the customers, arrange to have them beaten.
20. Everything is an interruption. Someone comes into your store, it’s an interruption. When the phone rings, it’s an interruption. If a customer is in front of your face, it’s an interruption. Heavy sigh. Everything these days is a bloody interruption!
Have you had enough? Likely, your customers have! In all seriousness, customer service doesn’t have to be that bad, but it is easy to see how easily it can degenerate. The next time you feel like “dissing” those who support your business, then reference this article for a “your wake up call”.